Kawały

Ilu maklerów giełdowych potrzeba, żeby wymienić żarówkę? Dwóch: jeden wykręca żarówkę, a drugi próbuje ją sprzedać, zanim spadnie i się roztrzaska.

Rozmawia dwóch maklerów: - Wiesz, że twoja żona ma czterech kochanków? - No to co? Wolę mieć 20% w dobrym interesie niż 100% w kiepskim!

Epicentrum kryzysu finansowego. Wall Street. Dzwoni makler do maklera:
- Czesc stary, jak sypiasz?
- Jak niemowlę.
- Żartujesz?
- Nie. Wczoraj całą noc płakalem i dwa razy się zesrałem.

Znanego maklera, który zbił majątek na transakcjach giełdowych spytano kiedyś jaka jest tajemnica jego sukcesów.
- To bardzo proste - odpowiedział makler - ja zawsze kupuję akcje od pesymistów i sprzedaje je optymistom.

Pierwszy śnieg na giełdzie...
Giełda. Pokój z mnóstwem komputerów i stadem ganiających się ludzi w czerwonych szelkach. Z każdej strony słychać okrzyki:
- Podnieś do dwóch! Kupuj! Kupuj wszystko!
- Opuść dziesięc i sprzedawaj!
- Cztery w dół! Puszczaj!
Jeden makler zamyślony patrzy w okno i nagle mówi melancholijnie:
- Śnieg spadł...
Chwila ciszy. Zaskoczenie na sali, nagle jeden z maklerów krzyczy do zamyślonego kolegi:
- To sprzedawaj!

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.